no words

[gilana]

My mom called me right before shabbos to tell me that my cousin Joy had died Thursday night. She's not a first cousin -- I'm not actually sure what the relationship is, other than that she's on my dad's side. I was just starting to really get to know her and she was a really amazing person -- positive in the fact of incredible difficulty, funny, sweet, thoughtful, interested in everyone around her. She had been fighting cancer for the second time, after surviving breast cancer many years ago, while also caring for her husband Danny, who just died of a brain tumor in June. I've been connecting some with her son, Barry, in the past year or two -- he's about my age and also a geek, and we email occasionally. So my issue now is, I feel like I should write to him, but what on earth can I possibly say to someone whose parents have both died in less than a year? How can any words possibly be adequate?

No hugs for me, please, but if anyone has any useful thoughts on what I can say, I'd love to hear it. I never wrote when his dad died because I couldn't think of anything to say, and I don't want to make that mistake a second time.

Comments

[lifecollage.livejournal.com]

If you're comfortable doing so, just let him know that you're there, and you're thinking of him, and that if he needs/wants to talk, you're available. Any time I've been grieving a loss, I just needed to know that folks were there if I felt the need to talk or have a hug or whatever. I usually restricted that to the folks closest to me, but knowing that others were thinking of me reminded me of all I had left. A connection to the world of the living while faced with death.

Best of luck and hugs on general principle.

[lara68.livejournal.com]

you could say that he's in your thoughts and that you're sorry for his losses, and that you wish there was something better you could say.

that's probably what i would say. and then i would feel like a dork. but it would be better than feeling like a jerk, which is how i would feel if i said nothing.

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

I would write all of this to him, frankly. Tell him you feel awkward but want him to know that you're thinking of him and you're sad for him.

[androidqueen.livejournal.com]

these all look like good suggestions to me. depending on the type of person he is, it may be important for you to emphasize that you can't possibly know what he's going through, but that he can count on you for what emotional support you can provide if he needs it.

good luck.

[muffyjo]

How about something like what you wrote here? The truth is, he won't want to read one more Sympathy card, so maybe you could simply write him a note and in it mention that you were pleased to have had the chance to reconnect with family recently, his in specific, and hey, how in the world were you connected anyway? And that his mom was a shining spot in your life and you are going to miss that. Then keep in touch over e-mail, or suggest getting together on a specific date, near a specific occasion or in a specific month.

Eh, just a thought.

[johnromkey.livejournal.com]

You could say: "How are you doing? Can I help? Do you want to talk? I'm not sure what to say but I want to support and help you if you want it." Since you know him, you'll know better how to translate those expressions into something meaningful to hiim. Just don't make it about you... because it's not. It's about him and his mom.

[billmarrs.livejournal.com]

Be honest. Tell him that you're thinking about him, that you care, and you're there for him if he wants to talk about it. Be careful not to make it about yourself, just be supportive.


Here is a letter that Ram Dass wrote to the parents (long time friends of his) of a young girl (Rachel) would was murdered that I found amazing. It was part of a documentary (Ram Dass, Fierce Grace) that I saw in the last few year.

---

Dear Steve and Anita,

Rachel finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation.

I can't assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Rachel's legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.

Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel, and thank her for being with you these few years, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience. In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was.

Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts – if we can keep them open to God – will find their own intuitive way. Rachel came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free, and the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me.

In love,

Ram Dass

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

"May you be comforted among the mourners of Israel."

[miss-chance.livejournal.com]

When my mom died a lot of people wrote saying that they didn't really know what to say or do, but for me to please know they're thinking of me. It made a huge difference. You more than just about anyone probably already know what a huge difference a friend can make. I'm sure you'll say what needs to be said, you always do.

Since you asked, no star-hugs-star for you, but plenty of respect for your caring and ability to share that, and your knowledge that even as you feel her death that you want to reach out and help someone else.

[dpolicar]

First of all, even if you can't think of what to say, I'd recommend you say something. "I'm terribly sorry for your loss" is a good general-purpose catchall.

But also... I think I would have valued the opportunity to hear from someone who knew my father and had a perspective similar to mine. Nothing profound, just "I knew him, this is what I thought he was like, this was our relationship, these are my feelings about his death" in a way that would invite me to do the same, as a peer-to-peer thing rather than a mourner-confidant thing. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I hope it does.

[gringoddess.livejournal.com]

Was Danny Barry's dad? So that makes him an orphan, even if he's an adult--no matter what your relationship with your parents, it's so hard not to be devastated, and feel orphaned, when they do go, no matter what the age. I think to reference this to Barry might be helpful--so many feelings are part of grief (anger, frustration, relief, feeling like a little kid again), and even if we know cognitively that it's ok to have this range of feelings, some of them socially unacceptable, it helps to get "permission" from people.

not that anyone has suggested it, but I really resent what so many people say, "it's for the best," "she's at peace," How the hell do they know after all?

Your truest empathy is the best gift you can give him--not to make it about you, but to connect where you have grieved most and say "I am with you in your pain. You're not alone."

shalom,
M

[hawkegirl.livejournal.com]

I would tell him just that. That you don't have words to say, but that you want to connect (and possibly something like if there is some way I can help let me know - I used to think that was a crapy useless thing to say, but I've found in life now when someone says that to me -usually about the divorce- I do actually have something I ask for... - laugh - not that anyone gives it to me - but there may be some way you could help that he knows of).

[bowlingal.livejournal.com]

sad.
here's feedback from when my dad died a year or so ago. actually, i personally lost 7 people within 3 months. so it sucked. but i'm not here for sympathy, i'm just going to share with you what was written to me.


****(this part was what was from my friend to me):*****

I'm so sorry. It seems so sudden. I know that he really meant a lot to
you, and that even though you already said your goodbye, that it's still
really difficult. If it's any comfort, the memories really do live on
and take on a life of their own, if you let them.

Please convey my condolences to your family. Good luck with all that
now needs to be done. I'll be thinking about you all. I'm always
available if you need anything.

Love,

xxxx
--------

anyway...that helped me..

a poem

[guxx.livejournal.com]

I read this poem, source unknown, at my dad's unveiling. I've shared it with others and it causes an odd combination of sadness and joy.

***
Do not stand on my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand wind that blow
I am the diamond glint of snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you wake in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand on my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die