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Gah. I hate when I stress myself out like this. I found a nice Jewish woman online who sounded perfect for the apartment, we played phone tag all weekend, then it turned out she found a one-bedroom and took it, so I'm back to square one. And left feeling ill, I'm so stressed. I place so much value on being together and competent and organized, and when my life starts to fall apart I feel like I must not be doing it right, somehow it's my fault, I should have started looking earlier, I should have started packing by now, I should have bought a house or married or be in any situation but this one. And I know it's not my fault, it's happened before and I've gotten through it and I will again, but I'm just holding on by my fingernails again instead of being on top of the situation, and I HATE THAT. (Control freak? Me? I didn't think so...)
Huh. Maybe that's the lesson in this one. I've been looking for the lesson all along. At first I thought I was meant to move to NYC, but then I fond out the job market there is even worse than here, and I actually like my job here. And then I found that perfect place, and thought that was meant to be. And then my roommate backed out and the same night I found the listing for the other Jewish woman, and thought *that* was meant to be. Maybe I'm just meant to let G-d off the hook of planning for me and deal myself. Or maybe that it's ok not to be in control, to just take each step as it comes and not freak out over the future. But boy, I'd really rather believe *someone* was in control.
Aside -- I read an interesting thing the other day. Fear is not usually about what's happening right now, it's about what MIGHT happen. If you focus on the moment, there's usually nothing to fear. Interesting idea, if hard for me to put into practice.
Sorry to whine here, but apparently I needed to get this out more than I thought, and I try not to fall apart on people too much in person. Feel free to ignore -- or to come over and bully me into packing. :)
Huh. Maybe that's the lesson in this one. I've been looking for the lesson all along. At first I thought I was meant to move to NYC, but then I fond out the job market there is even worse than here, and I actually like my job here. And then I found that perfect place, and thought that was meant to be. And then my roommate backed out and the same night I found the listing for the other Jewish woman, and thought *that* was meant to be. Maybe I'm just meant to let G-d off the hook of planning for me and deal myself. Or maybe that it's ok not to be in control, to just take each step as it comes and not freak out over the future. But boy, I'd really rather believe *someone* was in control.
Aside -- I read an interesting thing the other day. Fear is not usually about what's happening right now, it's about what MIGHT happen. If you focus on the moment, there's usually nothing to fear. Interesting idea, if hard for me to put into practice.
Sorry to whine here, but apparently I needed to get this out more than I thought, and I try not to fall apart on people too much in person. Feel free to ignore -- or to come over and bully me into packing. :)
