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gilanaGah. I hate when I stress myself out like this. I found a nice Jewish woman online who sounded perfect for the apartment, we played phone tag all weekend, then it turned out she found a one-bedroom and took it, so I'm back to square one. And left feeling ill, I'm so stressed. I place so much value on being together and competent and organized, and when my life starts to fall apart I feel like I must not be doing it right, somehow it's my fault, I should have started looking earlier, I should have started packing by now, I should have bought a house or married or be in any situation but this one. And I know it's not my fault, it's happened before and I've gotten through it and I will again, but I'm just holding on by my fingernails again instead of being on top of the situation, and I HATE THAT. (Control freak? Me? I didn't think so...)
Huh. Maybe that's the lesson in this one. I've been looking for the lesson all along. At first I thought I was meant to move to NYC, but then I fond out the job market there is even worse than here, and I actually like my job here. And then I found that perfect place, and thought that was meant to be. And then my roommate backed out and the same night I found the listing for the other Jewish woman, and thought *that* was meant to be. Maybe I'm just meant to let G-d off the hook of planning for me and deal myself. Or maybe that it's ok not to be in control, to just take each step as it comes and not freak out over the future. But boy, I'd really rather believe *someone* was in control.
Aside -- I read an interesting thing the other day. Fear is not usually about what's happening right now, it's about what MIGHT happen. If you focus on the moment, there's usually nothing to fear. Interesting idea, if hard for me to put into practice.
Sorry to whine here, but apparently I needed to get this out more than I thought, and I try not to fall apart on people too much in person. Feel free to ignore -- or to come over and bully me into packing. :)
Huh. Maybe that's the lesson in this one. I've been looking for the lesson all along. At first I thought I was meant to move to NYC, but then I fond out the job market there is even worse than here, and I actually like my job here. And then I found that perfect place, and thought that was meant to be. And then my roommate backed out and the same night I found the listing for the other Jewish woman, and thought *that* was meant to be. Maybe I'm just meant to let G-d off the hook of planning for me and deal myself. Or maybe that it's ok not to be in control, to just take each step as it comes and not freak out over the future. But boy, I'd really rather believe *someone* was in control.
Aside -- I read an interesting thing the other day. Fear is not usually about what's happening right now, it's about what MIGHT happen. If you focus on the moment, there's usually nothing to fear. Interesting idea, if hard for me to put into practice.
Sorry to whine here, but apparently I needed to get this out more than I thought, and I try not to fall apart on people too much in person. Feel free to ignore -- or to come over and bully me into packing. :)
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Date: 2003-03-17 08:47 am (UTC)I like the fear thing, though I would add something about it being about the past too. Often I think "okay I'm afraid to go into this horses stall - here comes the future part - 'cause it might kick or bite me, but it's my past experience with a horse that's acting like that that makes me think that, so the fear I find then useful and often listen to it (and say do go into the crazy horses stall) due to past experience. I've thought alot about "living in the moment" stuf in my life, and I love it. However I think it's important to change focus in and out of the past and future too. The rattle snake that's about to bite you is no harm, but if you dont get out of the way, you'll get bit. - Wow, that was a long unexpected rant!
I'll call if I get a few free minutes to bully you into packing!
unfun...
I've been there -- all the places you've just described -- and I expect I'll be there again...
A place to be will come to be -- though perhaps not on your desired timeframe. Housemates will come along, too, but again, perhaps not on the optimal schedule.
That's OK -- someone's got a spare room, or a couch, or... where you can crash for the interim -- if need be, I can be counted on that list.
And fairly likely, just by relaxing into this, you will open a space in the universe for the apartment and roommate you need to pop into...
Breathe. Pack. Breathe. Pack.
*hugs*
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Date: 2003-03-17 11:21 pm (UTC)So I typed "meaning of purim" into Google, and had the most interesting reading error for a moment.
The first sight it came up with starts with: "Essentially, Purim is about how G-d is hidden in everything." I read that for a moment as how G-d _has_ hidden everything, and started thinking about how what you need and what you are looking for are hidden in mysterious ways and G-d wants you to ... oh, wait, I miss read that.
But when I read further, it seemed that is kind of the point- some combination of both things you said said, about letting go a little and trusting G-d more, and about taking personal responsibility at the same time. If my goyish understanding of the story I read is at all related to how you read it, then the Jews were not saved directly by G-d, they still had to fight for their lives, but they were given enough of a boost out of the situation that they *could* win it if they tried.
The explanation also went into things about reversals and changes being relevant to the holiday. So if that's part of how you understand the holiday, too, then I guess, in a way, people changing their mind on you a lot recently is, uh, "festive" of them. Not very reassuring, I know.
Anyway, I guess the hidden point in all this is that your quest into the meaning that G-d has in your life inspires me. I think I'll go meditate before bed.