OK, that was just weird.

[gilana]

I had a date tonight with a guy I met on JDate. I've seen this guy twice before, and it's been pleasant enough, no great sparks or anything. Last time we went out to dinner and then for a walk around the Christian Science reflecting pool. He took my arm while we were walking, and I wasn't entirely comfortable with that but decided to just go along with it. Thinking about it later, I was unhappy with myself for that and decided not to do it again.

So tonight we had dinner and then went to see Lost in Translation (which I really loved. Bill Murray. Who knew?) Early on in the film he reached over to take my hand, and I just pulled it back and shook my head and went back to watching the movie.

The moment the movie was over, before the credits even started rolling, he got up and left the theater without a word. I really like to watch the credits, and I figured maybe he had to pee or something, so I stayed for the credits, then left the theater. No sign of him. Loitered outside the mens room for a few minutes. Nothing. Went to the ladies room myself. Nothing. Asked the people at the concierge desk if they had noticed him. Nope. The guy at the desk went into the bathroom and looked for him. No one there. So I hung around for another few minutes, then hopped on the T and went home.

WTF? Was he mortally offended because I wouldn't hold his hand? Did he expect me to follow him out when he left? Was there a sudden mental telepathy emergency? I don't really care about seeing him again, I'm just curious what would make someone do that.

I want to send him an email, but how do you say "Was there an emergency or are you just a jerk?"

Comments

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Lacking any other data: I suppose that the hand-holding rejection *could* have been enough to cause a person to decide to turn on his heel and walk out without another word. *If* said person had a serious complex of some kind *and* a block on normal adult communication.

How to phrase the e-mail? Maybe keep it straightforward: "Why did you disappear without a word like that after the movie? I waited and looked around until it was obvious you had left altogether..." No sense in either making excuses or drawing inferences for him; just ask what was up. Unless there *was* a telepathic emergency, surely he should know that's not normal/socially acceptable behavior, and that it's not a very far leap from passive-aggressive to rude. (Not that it's your job to call him on it, either, but hey.) And, I mean, how else could you have handled the hand-holding situation?

The impenetrable mind of the movie-maneuvering male

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

Speculating on the guy's point of view, it's the third date and you haven't run screaming from him after the first two. Conventional guy wisdom (yeah, those books exist for men too, and some guys actually do follow them.) suggests that he should make some effort to make physical contact so as to create some interim levels of comfort before moving on to something more intimate. Attempt #1 wasn't met with a negative response (when he held your arm, you didn't pull out the pepper spray) so he's figured you're not totally repulsed by him. He tries to take your hand in the movie theater and...

*rejection*

What does that mean? Was he wrong? Should he have kept his hands to himself entirely? Are they sweaty? Gross? Or worse, does this cute woman just want to be friends? Any way you slice it, it's not likely to be good news and since you immediately returned your focus to the movie afterward, he had two long, slow, thoughtful hours to wonder what that rejection meant, no matter how innocuous it might have been.

If he's at all lacking in self-confidence, that's more than enough time to decide you've found his flaws, aren't interested, and any post-movie conversation can't lead to anything good. Credits roll, he gets out of there and go home and lick his wounds, having already had you "break up with him" several dozen times in his head.

Other possibility, he decided to sit and watch the movie so as not to waste the ticket and then bolted, figuring that the hand-holding shootdown was enough of an indicator that things weren't going further, with no point in spending time hashing it out. No harm, no foul, but no further obligation either. Pretty cold, but if he felt like it didn't matter to you (since you went back to watching the movie afterward) he might have felt like he needed to seem equally indifferent to keep his self-respect. Kind of irrational, but rationality is not exactly the hallmark of our gender.

Did you get any read off his expression after you took your hand away?

In any case, sorry about the yucky date.

=J, who is not a real doctor (or FBI Dating Profiler) and is therefore pulling theories out of ass, elbow, and underarm.

Re: The impenetrable mind of the movie-maneuvering male

[gilana]

I did feel a little bad about the rejection thing, and it was fine of him to try, but I sort of expected we'd be able to talk about it afterwards :) Not that that would make it much easier. In fact, this does kind of simplify everything plus leave me with an amusing story, but it's still just a little weird. Sigh. I hate dating.

[cos]

Just a simple nonjudgemental "You left quickly when the movie ended and I couldn't find you when I left the theater, what happened?" sort of thing.

[sweetmmeblue.livejournal.com]

I think Cos has it right for phrasing. Sorry he wigged. *hugs*

[thatwesguy.livejournal.com]

If I were dating someone, and I put my hand on hers, and she took it away while shaking her head no, then I could be offended if I had inferred from her body language that an explanation or conversation couldn't possibly follow after the movie. In that (unusual!) case, I'd leave too, though I'd certainly be more communicative about my leaving, myself.

Communication is everything. In my opinion, to leave without a word would be appropriate only in the case where my date had made it clear that she were either not able or not willing to hold up her end of good communication in general.

[gilana]

I've been pretty good about communicating in general, I think, and I don't think he'd have any grounds for assuming that I wouldn't communicate after the movie. I can't blame him for being offended, but I'm still just amazed at his actions. No great loss, obviously, just weird.

[emerlion.livejournal.com]

hmn,

I'm a big fan of communication... regardless of whether it was the handholding or something else entirely, the fact that he didn't communicate to you seems more serious to me. You might want to consider that if his communication skills are poor, is he someone you want to attempt further contact with?

[gilana]

Oh, I totally agree, and I have no desire to ever see him again at this point. I think I wanted to write just a) in case there was some valid reason for him leaving and b) because I'm curious now just how rude he'll be. No answer from him yet, and I'm happy to drop it there.