Party etiquette

[gilana]

I'm terrible about remembering to bring something to parties. I never seem to think of it until the last minute, and often there just isn't anyplace reasonable to stop on the way there. But then, I'm always vaguely surprised when people bring donations to parties I host, too. So I'm curious.

A) Would you rather skip a party than arrive empty-handed? Do you only bring something if it's convenient? Do you just assume the host has everything covered? Share!

B) How do you feel when you're the host? Do you notice who brings what? Are you offended if someone doesn't bring anything? Would you prefer people *not* to bring things? Share on that, too!

Comments

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

At my parties I don't usually expect anyone to bring anything. I've been known to skip potlucks because I don't feel like bringing anything, but most of the time I figure there will be more than enough food and don't worry about it.

[desireearmfeldt]

My default assumption, both as host and guest, is that guests are not expected to bring stuff unless it's a potluck, and usually don't. However, I recognize that some people have the convention that guests do bring something, and that's OK, though it sometimes surprises me.

I'd almost rather people didn't ask me "can I bring anything?" because then I feel obliged to give them an assignment, when I hadn't planned to have there be something missing from my hostly provisions. (It's not a big deal, though.)

I will occasionally bring a pre-existing thing to a party, but this is a bit more like re-gifting. (e.g. "we have this unopened bag of chips from some previous event, if we take them to a place with lots of people snacking, they'll get eaten.") Or, when we bake at the holidays, it's often with the assumption that we'll take some of the baked goods to holiday parties.

[firstfrost.livejournal.com]

I sometimes bring things to parties; it depends on if I felt like making something, or the sort of party. An informal party that the host has said will have "some sort of food", I'm more likely to bring something, as opposed to a party where the host is clearly planning to have more than enough.

I can't imagine being offended if someone doesn't bring something, unless the party was specifically described as a potluck and *everyone* showed up empty-handed. If I'm hosting a too-much-food party and someone asks me "Can I bring something?" I'll ask them to bring beverages, because they're heavy and I rarely buy enough.

Mostly, my sense of etiquette about parties is 1) the hosts provide the necessary things for the party to be enjoyable, which often includes food, and 2) the guests show up and be cheery and good guests and make the party enjoyable. 2 does not require that the guests bring anything, but if they do, it should be taken as part of trying to be a good guest, rather than taken as an insult to the host's hospitality.

[sapphira-altair.livejournal.com]

Typically I don't expect anyone to bring anything. The usual call that goes out is "I have x, y, and z - if you want something I don't have, feel free to bring it", and if they don't bring anything, I assume they're fine with what I've got. So I usually don't mind if people don't bring things.

I usually bring something to parties either if I know there's a specific theme (thus I know what to bring), or if I've had time to stop and get something or make something. But sometimes, time runs out and I assume people understand that, so I don't usually skip something if I'd have to go empty handed.

[valadil.livejournal.com]

I used to feel guilty not bringing stuff to parties, but most of the parties I've been to recently have ended with the host having more food than they started with. So I try to bring something, but sometimes I fail. The exception is if it's a cooking party, in which case I'll definitely bring something.

As a host I don't care who brings food so long as it isn't an extreme minority. If half the guests bring something to share I'm happy. I don't mind if some guests bring nothing because I don't want to get overwhelmed with snack foods. I'm fat enough without three Costco sized bags of Doritos staring me down.

[saraheeyore.livejournal.com]

A) I think it depends on the situation - if it's a good friend, I'll ask what I can bring, since I know they'll tell me if they want me to or not. If it's someone I don't know well, I usually wouldn't bring anything unsolicited unless it was more of a hostess-gifty thing for a housewarming or something, rather than something FOR the party. Unless there is a fun theme and I can't resist. And if it's a dinner kind of party, and they are omnivorous folks, I sometimes offer to bring veggie-friendly food.

B) I usually plan to have everything, but if someone asks ahead of time and they can be useful, I'll usually take them up on it. It's nice when people bring things unexpectedly, though, if it's an informal kind of thing.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I bring donations when there's something I want to bring, or if there's something someone asked me to bring. If someone SAYS it's potluck, then of course I bring things. Otherwise, I bring things if there's something I want to make and try out on folks.

I bring food to parties when I want to show off. If I make a cheesecake, or my Auntie Debbie's Chocolate Dream Pie, or something like that, then I'll bring it. For the accolades.

As a host, if someone wants to bring a show-off dish, I'm totally fine with that. But I don't want people bringing things, just 'cause they're, y'know, bringing things. I understand that many people feel a calling to bring a hospitality-gift of food to social events, and that's fine. But a host provides food; it's not a guest's job.

Again, if a guest wants to show off a dish, a party is a wonderful time to do that. And there are parties where "guests bringing stuff to show off their cooking skills" is a significant part of it -- the Lefton Hot Foods Party is a perfect example.

[smacaski.livejournal.com]

I look at bringing things to parties as a form of gift-giving, and therefore guests are under no obligation to bring anything. If people can and want to bring something to a party of mine, that's great, and I appreciate it; if not, their company is enough for me--that's why I invited them. I hope my friends feel the same way, especially when I'm too rushed or broke to make/buy something for their parties.

[taiganwolf.livejournal.com]

I got NO clue! ^_^;;

If I have an idea for something to bring, or if the invite asks for something, I'll do it. But otherwise I usually just show up and hope for the best.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Me, I rarely bring anything even to potlucks. I am a terrible slacker. ;-)

Conversely, though, I rarely expect anyone to come to a party with anything in hand, unless they are known to be That Sort and/or have a characteristic contribution they regularly bring along.

In the case of a dinner party, I might take someone up on it who says in advance "what can I bring?", but I definitely don't expect people to offer or get offended if they don't. Guests are guests. I'm usually expecting to cover all the important bases myself, and spontaneous "here's a box of donuts" contributions (while certainly the kindness is appreciated) are not necessarily immediately useful. :-) It also gets tricky with kashrut (random bottles of wine, etc.).

Though it certainly varies by community. Going to Shabbat meals on the UWS with mbarr, they have a crowd that do elaborate Shabbat dinners AND lunches together every single week, and it seems that everyone regularly contributes something to each meal. I was guessing that's because some people don't actually take turns hosting, so the burden would fall disproportionately otherwise.

[hahathor.livejournal.com]

For bashes, my invites usually say something like "Feel free but not obligated to bring anything you think would make for a better party." Generally this works out well; we usually end up with about the right amount of food & drink, no matter how many people show up. And people will often interpret the invitation more broadly, bringing musical instruments, games, CDs, etc that add to the party. I notice if someone brings something awesome (like the time zarf brought caramelized bacon to one of my parties, guaranteeing that he will always be welcome), but other than that, I don't really notice who brings something & who doesn't.

If I'm having a sit down dinner, I don't expect, or usually want, people to bring anything. I get a kick out of planning a menu that is eclectic yet coherent, and it can be difficult to try to fit someone's contribution into that. Though bringing wine or beer (N.B. I do not consider Budmillors to be beer) to my house is NEVER taken amiss. Just in case anyone reading this is invited to dinner at our place.

[dpolicar]

I'll arrive empty-handed rather than skip.

If it's an explicit potluck and I have to arrive emptyhanded I might call first to ask if that's OK, but only as a gesture -- I'd be seriously gobsmacked if the host said "No!" and probably assume they were joking.

I like participating in potlucks when the scheduling works out.

As the host, it doesn't even appear on my radar screen when someone doesn't bring something; I expect to feed my guests. I appreciate it when guests feel like bringing something but feel weird when they feel obligated to bring something.

There are special cases like Thanksgiving, where I have come to consider providing opportunities for guests to bring something part of my obligation as a host, since so many people just don't feel comfortable arriving empty-handed.

[kalliejenn2.livejournal.com]

i generally bring something if i have time to stop and get (or make) something. i really try to bring something if it's a housewarming party, especially.

when i host (which is somewhat rare), i do notice when people bring things, and am very appreciative - but i by no means expect people to bring stuff. it's just a nice unexpected treat when they do.

[gnomi.livejournal.com]

I don't expect folks to bring things when I'm hosting a party unless it's specifically been billed as a potluck.

(Especially with the kosher issue, it makes it tricky.)

Same holds when I'm a guest at a party.

[jbsegal.livejournal.com]

I seem to be in line with most of your previous commentors… If it's a potluck, I'll try very hard to remember to bring something, otherwise, unless it's been requested/discussed in advance, I may or (more likely) may not bring anything, and be ok with it.

I don't expect others to bring things… well, I _expect_ it, but don't /expect/ it. :)

[heinleinfan.livejournal.com]

I feel incredibly guilty not bringing at least a little something to a party.

When I host a party well, most times I'm dead broke. So I generally tell folks that bringing drinks would be appreciated, but totally not necessary. And I don't usually notice who does and doesn't bring something, unless it's something really amazing and I'm asking around "who brought that and where did you get it/how did you make it?!?!?!"

[bacall.livejournal.com]

I would never show up to a hosted event without bringing something, and unless otherwise instructed, I bring something that the host can choose to either add to the party or save for his/her own use later. I often default to a bottle of wine or champagne, but sometimes I'll bring flowers or a treat, like a nice cheese or chocolate. I also still write handwritten thank you notes and handwrap my gifts. But this is all leftover from being raised by a mom who happened to be a very gracious hostess...I certainly don't expect my guests to follow the same protocol!

[vanguardcdk.livejournal.com]

I try to bring something for a couple of reasons. One, becuase if I don't then I feel like a mooch. And second is that I'm choosy on what I drink, so if I bring something (ie Cider) to a party I know I'll have at least one choice.

But if I don't have the chance, or money, to pick something up I know that my friends would rather have me come empty-handed than not come at all.

When I'm hosting I don't expect nor require anyone to bring anything. That way it's all a pleasent surprise when they do. :)

[skreeky]

In general, I would really prefer people don't bring anything. I plan my party menus carefully and if I'm running short of anything, it's space to put things. My buffet table is laid out for aesthetics and traffic flow, and I select the serving dishes and utensils in keeping with the party's style.

More food arriving just makes things hard. It means I have to figure out where the hell to put it (messing up my table arrangement), and it means people don't eat the food I put my own effort/money into. And most of the time, they don't take their leftovers and/or dishes and I have to deal with the logistics of returning them. In fact, I currently still have other people's dishes on my kitchen counter, in the way, from 4 weeks ago. Ugly disposable containers in the midst of my white linen and crystal isn't much of an improvement.

Exception: If I *say* it's a potluck.

Exception: Guest has dietary restrictions and is bringing food within those restrictions.

If people feel they must bring something, I try to steer them toward non-perishable beverages, which can be used up gradually as needed or kept for the next party.

That said, when people bring things, I smile and thank them. They mean well.

[jtdiii.livejournal.com]

A) I view bringing something to a pot luck as a chance to show off so usually have something prepared. If hit unexpectedly with a party, I will just grab a few pounds of jumbo shrimp, cocktail sauce and some horseradish to spice it up. Or a round loaf, some large ziplock bags and dip makings.

Voila something to bring.

B)If I announce a pot luck I appreciate people bringing things, particularly if they have allergies or diet restrictions. I make enough to feed everyone just in cae though.

[42itous.livejournal.com]

If I arrive at a party without some food or drink or game to share, I feel embarrassed. If someone arrives empty-handed at my party, I hardly notice (though I do notice and appreciate if someone brings something). The double-standard, I guess. :)